I've been to the doctors today for the pre-arranged meting to review my treatment and fitness levels. I've now been signed off the sick and am going back to work 6.30am, Thursday 26th January.
I'm fairly sure that I've got a bit of the infection left in my system and the doctor's prescribed me another weeks course of antibiotics to deal with this, the prescription for which I'm picking up tomorrow.
I've carried on smoking as normal today, and I'm really fed up of this now, I need to stop but I don't want to. So, as I owe it to myself to try again, I'm not having any cigarettes tomorrow for as long as I can, and see how I go on from there. The doctors had a word with me again today about smoking and I know I need to stop.
So, I'm going to try again tomorrow.
Other than that, Baby Daughter's back with me today, coming home unexpectedly, so everything else is fairly back to normal now. I've still not spoken to my son.
And that's all for today really.
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Monday, 23 January 2012
Monday 23rd January - Starting Again
Shall we start again?
A bit of a shit day yesterday, admittedly, and today was much the same, most of the day. After waiting all last night for my son and daughter to come home, they didn't. More to the point, they didn't even let me know what was happening.
I ended up ringing my daughter up on her mobile phone about 3pm this afternoon to find out what was happening. As it happened, my ex took the son to court herself this morning. He has been dealt with by a large fine, a three year driving ban and six months community service. My daughter told me that no one from the other family unit had told her what was happening, either. So, that's that problem out of the way then. Again, I haven't been included, further definition, and confirmation, of the fact that I am not wanted or needed by the previous family unit.
I've got a pay day loan today as money was seriously short at this point, with me being down to my last £4.00. I've had £100 transferred into my account, of which I've transferred £20 to my Baby Daughter's account so she can get back home (now expected Thursday), I've withdrawn £50 cash, leaving £30 in the account to pay my car insurance.
And yes, I've brought cigarettes today. I am so seriously fed up that I cannot face the difficulty of stopping smoking on top of everything else.
I was so happy driving down to Tesco's garage today to get withdraw the cash, buy the cigarettes and some food. Life, at that time, was really worth living then.
I've spoke to my colleague Andrew at work and I now have an extra day off work, now not returning until Thursday morning. The company have done this to cover their back, just in case the doctor says that I'm still not fit to go back to work. And, for that, I'm grateful, I just don't want to/can't face going back to work again at the moment.
So, all told, the day ended a lot better than it started, and the despair I had this morning has lifted. A little. On a temporary basis.
So, I'm back at the doctor's again tomorrow afternoon for a final assessment. And, as shit as it sounds, I've started feeling a bit iffy again, feeling giddy occasionally and just not being 100% well. We'll see what my temperature's like tomorrow when the doctor checks me out.
And take it from there.
And I'll have another go at stopping the smoking again tomorrow morning as well. I'm getting really fed up of this now. Extremely fed up.
A bit of a shit day yesterday, admittedly, and today was much the same, most of the day. After waiting all last night for my son and daughter to come home, they didn't. More to the point, they didn't even let me know what was happening.
I ended up ringing my daughter up on her mobile phone about 3pm this afternoon to find out what was happening. As it happened, my ex took the son to court herself this morning. He has been dealt with by a large fine, a three year driving ban and six months community service. My daughter told me that no one from the other family unit had told her what was happening, either. So, that's that problem out of the way then. Again, I haven't been included, further definition, and confirmation, of the fact that I am not wanted or needed by the previous family unit.
I've got a pay day loan today as money was seriously short at this point, with me being down to my last £4.00. I've had £100 transferred into my account, of which I've transferred £20 to my Baby Daughter's account so she can get back home (now expected Thursday), I've withdrawn £50 cash, leaving £30 in the account to pay my car insurance.
And yes, I've brought cigarettes today. I am so seriously fed up that I cannot face the difficulty of stopping smoking on top of everything else.
I was so happy driving down to Tesco's garage today to get withdraw the cash, buy the cigarettes and some food. Life, at that time, was really worth living then.
I've spoke to my colleague Andrew at work and I now have an extra day off work, now not returning until Thursday morning. The company have done this to cover their back, just in case the doctor says that I'm still not fit to go back to work. And, for that, I'm grateful, I just don't want to/can't face going back to work again at the moment.
So, all told, the day ended a lot better than it started, and the despair I had this morning has lifted. A little. On a temporary basis.
So, I'm back at the doctor's again tomorrow afternoon for a final assessment. And, as shit as it sounds, I've started feeling a bit iffy again, feeling giddy occasionally and just not being 100% well. We'll see what my temperature's like tomorrow when the doctor checks me out.
And take it from there.
And I'll have another go at stopping the smoking again tomorrow morning as well. I'm getting really fed up of this now. Extremely fed up.
Starting Again - Caring For COPD
I've done a bit of research into what exactly I can do now my COPD has starting to make itself known to me. As well as regular prescription medicines of course, I've researched a little bit into every day, common cures that can help me manage the condition better. This is what I've found so far:
Firstly, I'm never going to be able to replace/repair the lung function that I've lost ( as minimal as it may be), so I'm looking at minimising further damage and slowing it down altogether.
Taking Flaxseed: this is rich in Omega 3 fatty acids which help play a role in decreasing lung inflammation and easing breathing. I'm supposed to blend a 1/4 cup of ground flaxseed with my morning drink. I'll be cheating on this - I'll be buying flaxseed capsules.
Increasing Antioxidants: Studies apparently show smokers with a higher intake of Vitamin E are less prone to develop COPD. Other vitamins I'm supposed to be taking now are:
Vitamin C: 500-1,000 milligrams three times a day
Vitamin E: 400-800 International Units (IU) daily. Looking for Vitamin E mixed with mixed Tocopherols, the most effective form of the nutrient.
Selenium: 200 micrograms daily
Coenzyme Q10: 10-50 milligrams three times a day
Taurine: up to 1,500 milligrams a day by divided doses
Magnesium: strengthens breathing muscles, 300-500 milligrams daily
Carnitine: 250 milligrams one to three times a day
So, having checked my normal health suppliers web site, the initial cost of getting myself set up with all these tablets is a massive £32.05, which is enough for about 2, maybe three months. Expensive, isn't it?
Firstly, I'm never going to be able to replace/repair the lung function that I've lost ( as minimal as it may be), so I'm looking at minimising further damage and slowing it down altogether.
Taking Flaxseed: this is rich in Omega 3 fatty acids which help play a role in decreasing lung inflammation and easing breathing. I'm supposed to blend a 1/4 cup of ground flaxseed with my morning drink. I'll be cheating on this - I'll be buying flaxseed capsules.
Increasing Antioxidants: Studies apparently show smokers with a higher intake of Vitamin E are less prone to develop COPD. Other vitamins I'm supposed to be taking now are:
Vitamin C: 500-1,000 milligrams three times a day
Vitamin E: 400-800 International Units (IU) daily. Looking for Vitamin E mixed with mixed Tocopherols, the most effective form of the nutrient.
Selenium: 200 micrograms daily
Coenzyme Q10: 10-50 milligrams three times a day
Taurine: up to 1,500 milligrams a day by divided doses
Magnesium: strengthens breathing muscles, 300-500 milligrams daily
Carnitine: 250 milligrams one to three times a day
So, having checked my normal health suppliers web site, the initial cost of getting myself set up with all these tablets is a massive £32.05, which is enough for about 2, maybe three months. Expensive, isn't it?
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Sunday 22nd January
Boy, am I fed up!
For the last three days, ever since finishing the course of antibiotics, all I've done is sleep. I am in the midst of isolation from everyone, being on my own now since Friday night when Baby Daughter left to go with her boyfriend, and I can't explain the mixture of feelings that are overwhelming me.
So, let's start analysing, and see where we go.
First off, Baby Daughter lost her job on Friday and they told her this in a disciplinary meeting Friday afternoon. She got desperately upset in the meeting and there's nothing I can do, as a father, to comfort her. Fortunately, her boyfriend came around to give her a bit of support.
She's been through a lot since the new year, what with me going poorly on her Friday 13th, and scaring her witless as she had to come to hospital with me in the ambulance, then having to go back to the house on her own, and just being there on her her own whilst I was in hospital. Although her boyfriend was with her occasionally, it's not quite the same.
Just like to say a word here about Aaron, Baby Daughter's boyfriend. He has been a tower of strength for her over the last fortnight or so, somehow managing to keep getting petrol money from somewhere despite being seriously short of cash. Aaron has been an absolute rock for both Baby Daughter and myself; and I am very proud of him for how he's looked after my baby daughter. And he came to see me in hospital, and this is my main point of concern. Both Baby Daughter and her boyfriend had to see me, previously strong and independent, now laid low, as weak as a baby, on oxygen. The strong man had fallen. Pride? Yes, of course, there's a bit of pride there from me: no man wants to be weak, does he?
But, like all men things, some things just can't be said, or emphasised enough in this silly, manly world. How sad. I just hope he reads this one day, he'll then realise what he, and what he's done, means to me.
OK, that's the first thing. Secondly, it's me and my health that are giving me mental problems now; having sucummbed to the lung infection which laid me so low for so long, I am now supposed to stop smoking. This is giving me two main issues, namely: Firstly, that I now have a crap body that has finally proved it's weakness to me, forcing me to seriously consider stop smoking, and secondly, the massive internal conflict within myself that I have to stop smoking, but don't want to, and, more to the point perhaps, I don't see why I should have to.
Don't get me wrong. I know I shouldn't smoke. I know the smoking has weakened my lungs, meaning that I am unable to fight off infections as well as a non smoking male my age can. BUT the smoking is NOT the issue here; it's the infection that I picked up from someone, somewhere. If I stop smoking NOW there will be no difference in lung function, nor resistance to infection. Totally no change. Except for my added misery of course, but maybe that's what society's demanding, as well as friends who are taking great pains to point out the error of my ways to me- even those who are obese, grossly overweight and unfit. But, these people have, for some reason, being given a right to "advise" me on my shortcomings. Am I really supposed to change, just to conform to their expectations and "helpfulness"?
It's almost as if I'm putting myself through this shit for nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I hate having to do this. Totally pointless.
Thirdly: I have no money; the cupboards are fast running out of food, the car's petrol is getting low and there's no money for cigarettes - again, another source of personal control being taken away from me. Baby Daughter is supposed to be getting the food in the house this coming Friday, I hope she is back with me to do so. But I cannot expect her to live her life for me, or around me, we will have to see what happens.
And fourth: my son's expected in court tomorrow morning to face charges of drink driving; the kids were supposed to staying overnight here with me as the court hearing is in Kings Lynn tomorrow. I have not heard anything from the three step kids since before Christmas, this big stay over has been arranged between them and Baby Daughter, without me being involved. It is now 8.30pm as I write this, and I've heard nothing as to what's supposed to be happening. We'll just have to wait and see I guess. But despite everything, I do want to see my son again; it's been far too long and yes, I do miss him. Terribly.
All told, I'm alone, facing everything on my own, by myself. And I hate the way I'm feeling now. Although I have had a couple of text messages from my long term girlfriend, which were very welcome, it's not the same as facing these battles with someone special next to me, in the same room.
Don't get me wrong. I am angry at my lot, and the way things are turning out, and going wrong, seemingly one after the other after the other. But I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Far from it.
I'm just really angry with myself, my life and everything I stand for. And I hate it.
For the last three days, ever since finishing the course of antibiotics, all I've done is sleep. I am in the midst of isolation from everyone, being on my own now since Friday night when Baby Daughter left to go with her boyfriend, and I can't explain the mixture of feelings that are overwhelming me.
So, let's start analysing, and see where we go.
First off, Baby Daughter lost her job on Friday and they told her this in a disciplinary meeting Friday afternoon. She got desperately upset in the meeting and there's nothing I can do, as a father, to comfort her. Fortunately, her boyfriend came around to give her a bit of support.
She's been through a lot since the new year, what with me going poorly on her Friday 13th, and scaring her witless as she had to come to hospital with me in the ambulance, then having to go back to the house on her own, and just being there on her her own whilst I was in hospital. Although her boyfriend was with her occasionally, it's not quite the same.
Just like to say a word here about Aaron, Baby Daughter's boyfriend. He has been a tower of strength for her over the last fortnight or so, somehow managing to keep getting petrol money from somewhere despite being seriously short of cash. Aaron has been an absolute rock for both Baby Daughter and myself; and I am very proud of him for how he's looked after my baby daughter. And he came to see me in hospital, and this is my main point of concern. Both Baby Daughter and her boyfriend had to see me, previously strong and independent, now laid low, as weak as a baby, on oxygen. The strong man had fallen. Pride? Yes, of course, there's a bit of pride there from me: no man wants to be weak, does he?
But, like all men things, some things just can't be said, or emphasised enough in this silly, manly world. How sad. I just hope he reads this one day, he'll then realise what he, and what he's done, means to me.
OK, that's the first thing. Secondly, it's me and my health that are giving me mental problems now; having sucummbed to the lung infection which laid me so low for so long, I am now supposed to stop smoking. This is giving me two main issues, namely: Firstly, that I now have a crap body that has finally proved it's weakness to me, forcing me to seriously consider stop smoking, and secondly, the massive internal conflict within myself that I have to stop smoking, but don't want to, and, more to the point perhaps, I don't see why I should have to.
Don't get me wrong. I know I shouldn't smoke. I know the smoking has weakened my lungs, meaning that I am unable to fight off infections as well as a non smoking male my age can. BUT the smoking is NOT the issue here; it's the infection that I picked up from someone, somewhere. If I stop smoking NOW there will be no difference in lung function, nor resistance to infection. Totally no change. Except for my added misery of course, but maybe that's what society's demanding, as well as friends who are taking great pains to point out the error of my ways to me- even those who are obese, grossly overweight and unfit. But, these people have, for some reason, being given a right to "advise" me on my shortcomings. Am I really supposed to change, just to conform to their expectations and "helpfulness"?
It's almost as if I'm putting myself through this shit for nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I hate having to do this. Totally pointless.
Thirdly: I have no money; the cupboards are fast running out of food, the car's petrol is getting low and there's no money for cigarettes - again, another source of personal control being taken away from me. Baby Daughter is supposed to be getting the food in the house this coming Friday, I hope she is back with me to do so. But I cannot expect her to live her life for me, or around me, we will have to see what happens.
And fourth: my son's expected in court tomorrow morning to face charges of drink driving; the kids were supposed to staying overnight here with me as the court hearing is in Kings Lynn tomorrow. I have not heard anything from the three step kids since before Christmas, this big stay over has been arranged between them and Baby Daughter, without me being involved. It is now 8.30pm as I write this, and I've heard nothing as to what's supposed to be happening. We'll just have to wait and see I guess. But despite everything, I do want to see my son again; it's been far too long and yes, I do miss him. Terribly.
All told, I'm alone, facing everything on my own, by myself. And I hate the way I'm feeling now. Although I have had a couple of text messages from my long term girlfriend, which were very welcome, it's not the same as facing these battles with someone special next to me, in the same room.
Don't get me wrong. I am angry at my lot, and the way things are turning out, and going wrong, seemingly one after the other after the other. But I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Far from it.
I'm just really angry with myself, my life and everything I stand for. And I hate it.
Friday, 20 January 2012
20th January -The Last Week
Since getting back home Sunday night I've just been hanging around and recovering. My medication continued until today, when I've finally finished all the tablets. This is my daily tablet count - which I had to have three times daily for four days.
I had to go and see my GP on Tuesday for a referral meeting, where I was checked out in the surgery - my fingertip Oxygen level is now 97% and I've got a sick note lasting until 4.30pm, Tuesday 24th January when I should be signed off sick and declared fit for work, starting back to work on Wednesday 25th.
I went to work yesterday to hand my sick notes in and to do some posting - basically I've copied the sick notes, sent them to all my creditors, saying I won't be able to pay my bills next month. I've also seen my doggy friend Misty who I've built up a relationship with over the last few months (she belongs to one of the site's neighbour's who I've started talking to as he walks the dog every day. Here she is, coming to see me here:
And when I got back home, I had a suprise waiting for me: Misty had sent me a Get well Soon card which now has pride of place in my front room:
And that brings up right up to date now. COPD (Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) is one of the worse diseases that a human being can get. I have had this for years, directly as a result of smoking. I now have to make major life changes - and that's the subject of the next post.
I had to go and see my GP on Tuesday for a referral meeting, where I was checked out in the surgery - my fingertip Oxygen level is now 97% and I've got a sick note lasting until 4.30pm, Tuesday 24th January when I should be signed off sick and declared fit for work, starting back to work on Wednesday 25th.
I went to work yesterday to hand my sick notes in and to do some posting - basically I've copied the sick notes, sent them to all my creditors, saying I won't be able to pay my bills next month. I've also seen my doggy friend Misty who I've built up a relationship with over the last few months (she belongs to one of the site's neighbour's who I've started talking to as he walks the dog every day. Here she is, coming to see me here:
And when I got back home, I had a suprise waiting for me: Misty had sent me a Get well Soon card which now has pride of place in my front room:
And that brings up right up to date now. COPD (Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) is one of the worse diseases that a human being can get. I have had this for years, directly as a result of smoking. I now have to make major life changes - and that's the subject of the next post.
Friday 13th January - In Hospital
Sorry I haven't been posting for a while again, but this flu's really taken it out of me. Here's a summary of my recent Twitter posts for the last week or so:
10th Jan: What a waste of a day, damn flu. All I've done is watch TV, sleep, shiver, cough and I had a really long & bad fever this afternoon!
10th Jan : And the worse thing is, it's not getting better, if anything, it's worse. This flu has gone straight to my chest and it's hard to breathe!
11th Jan: That's another day totally wasted then doing nothing. Was going to go back to work tomorrow, but glad I'm not now - breathing getting worse!
11th Jan: And I couldn't get into the doctors today either- no appointments, got to ring again 8.30am tomorrow to try again!
12th Jan: Half past midnight here- up for my (now) usual cough mixture and Anadin session. Again.
12th Jan: First time on the net today! Got into doctors, new meds sorted, 5 days of steroids, no improvement yet. Fed up of being ill now, not funny!
12th Jan: So, another day of sleeping, watching daytime TV, & nothing else. No breath or energy to move or do anything. What a criminal waste of time!
10th Jan: What a waste of a day, damn flu. All I've done is watch TV, sleep, shiver, cough and I had a really long & bad fever this afternoon!
10th Jan : And the worse thing is, it's not getting better, if anything, it's worse. This flu has gone straight to my chest and it's hard to breathe!
11th Jan: That's another day totally wasted then doing nothing. Was going to go back to work tomorrow, but glad I'm not now - breathing getting worse!
11th Jan: And I couldn't get into the doctors today either- no appointments, got to ring again 8.30am tomorrow to try again!
12th Jan: Half past midnight here- up for my (now) usual cough mixture and Anadin session. Again.
12th Jan: First time on the net today! Got into doctors, new meds sorted, 5 days of steroids, no improvement yet. Fed up of being ill now, not funny!
12th Jan: So, another day of sleeping, watching daytime TV, & nothing else. No breath or energy to move or do anything. What a criminal waste of time!
And that was my last Twitter post. I was tired all the time, went to bed at 9.30pm, but couldn't sleep. Every time I moved my lungs filled up with fluid and I started choking. At Midnight-ish I took my quilt and pillow downstairs as I couldn't climb them at this stage. Everytime I moved I had to stand upright, lean against my wardrobe, and wait to catch my breath - it took ages to get back every time, and it took longer every time.
At 3am I couldn't take anymore.
I had again woken up and just couldn't catch my breath at all for about 15 minutes when I eventually gave in and called the ambulance using 999. I woke Baby Daughter up and she went to the hospital in the Ambulance with me.
Turns out the flu, this time, and on the back of my previous flu a week or so previously, had turned into a pneumonia type bacterial infection on my lungs, affecting my COPD. The Ambulance staff, on attending, put me on a nebaliser and Oxygen mask and the lungs, after about another 15 minutes cleared enough for me to breathe.
But that didn't last long. By the time I'd stood up, walked to the front door after waiting for Baby Daughter, the lungs had once again clogged up (within 5 minutes) so I had to go back on the breathing equipment again in the Ambulance as we went to hospital. I ended up being admitted to Kings Lynn's Queen Elisabeth Hospital.
It took the A & E three hours to bring my temperature down from 41 deg F by pumping me with antibiotics. At this time I was hoping to be able to go home; but I was admitted, and eventually stayed in hospital until 5pm Sunday, 15th .
I was discharged with a four days more antibiotic medication, which has just ran out today. So, basically, I was on Oxygen and intravenous antibiotics from the the time I went in, I was taken off the Oxygen Saturday morning, being reduced to a three hour nebaliser only until Sunday morning.
By Sunday morning, I had been taken off everything and was just on oral antibiotics, being supervised through the day, until I was discharged.
Monday 9th January
I have caught baby Daughter's flu, and I've just gone sick for a week or so. Sore throat, headache, I'm tired, lousy, every muscle aches and I'm now off sick until Thursday while I deal with it!
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