Monday 23rd January - Starting Again

Shall we start again?

A bit of a shit day yesterday, admittedly, and today was much the same, most of the day. After waiting all last night for my son and daughter to come home, they didn't. More to the point, they didn't even let me know what was happening.

I ended up ringing my daughter up on her mobile phone about 3pm this afternoon to find out what was happening. As it happened, my ex took the son to court herself this morning. He has been dealt with by a large fine, a three year driving ban and six months community service. My daughter told me that no one from the other family unit had told her what was happening, either. So, that's that problem out of the way then. Again, I haven't been included, further definition, and confirmation, of the fact that I am not wanted or needed by the previous family unit.

I've got a pay day loan today as money was seriously short at this point, with me being down to my last £4.00. I've had £100 transferred into my account, of which I've transferred £20 to my Baby Daughter's account so she can get back home (now expected Thursday), I've withdrawn £50 cash, leaving £30 in the account to pay my car insurance.

And yes, I've brought cigarettes today. I am so seriously fed up that I cannot face the difficulty of stopping smoking on top of everything else.

I was so happy driving down to Tesco's garage today to get withdraw the cash, buy the cigarettes and some food. Life, at that time, was really worth living then.

I've spoke to my colleague Andrew at work and I now have an extra day off work, now not returning until Thursday morning. The company have done this to cover their back, just in case the doctor says that I'm still not fit to go back to work. And, for that, I'm grateful, I just don't want to/can't face going back to work again at the moment.

So, all told, the day ended a lot better than it started, and the despair I had this morning has lifted. A little. On a temporary basis.

So, I'm back at the doctor's again tomorrow afternoon for a final assessment. And, as shit as it sounds, I've started feeling a bit iffy again, feeling giddy occasionally and just not being 100% well. We'll see what my temperature's like tomorrow when the doctor checks me out.

And take it from there.

And I'll have another go at stopping the smoking again tomorrow morning as well. I'm getting really fed up of this now. Extremely fed up.