Tuesday 27th December - So That Was Christmas Then!

I think I've lost the kids. These are the three step kids I adopted when I got together with my ex. I've heard nothing from them at all over the Christmas break and I admit, I'm disappointed. For 19 years almost those kids were a big part of my life and here we are, at 11:44am, on the last Bank Holiday day of the Christmas break, and....nothing!

Obviously, this is another one of those chapters in my life that has now finished. Done, and the book is closed. Fortunately, Baby Daughter, who's my own flesh and blood is still wanted and welcomed by the old family unit, and on returning home last night, she told me they'd been a big meet up with all he family on the 24th December, which she wasn't told about as she was spending Christmas Eve with me. There's another family meet up on 2nd January and she's trying to cover that shift at work so she can go to that one.

If anything, I'm grateful to the old (my ex) family unit for still making Baby Daughter welcome, even if I myself aren't considered now. There have been no cards or gifts for me this year from the step kids, I am no longer a part of their life.

And that's fine.

Onto better things. Baby Daughter opened her presents on Christmas Eve and she brought her boyfriend and another friend home with her. The house was full that night, and noisy, as they were playing on the main Christmas present, a new wii system.

Baby Daughter & Friend on the new Wii System

I dropped Baby Daughter off on the estate where (I later found out) her mum and brother were staying. She'd obviously been told to get me to do this. My son didn't come to meet me. This whole situation was untenable, with most of my (ex) family unit close to hand, but not wanting to have anything to do with me.

After dropping Baby Daughter off I drove my sister and her husband to their holiday home they'd booked for a week to spend Christmas with me. I stayed there Christmas Eve night and most of Christmas Day. This was symbolically significant as well, as it started snowing as we drove into the village where they were staying. Snow at Christmas. Beautiful.

I was up early enough Christmas morning to take this photo of dawn breaking - but the snow had all gone by this time, obviously turning to rain through the night.

Christmas Day Dawn

We stayed at the holiday home until about 2pm I think, before driving back to mine for Christmas Dinner, which eventually got done by about 4pm. That was a good meal, even if I do say so myself (having done the cooking) and as you can see from the picture below, even Haf, my brother in law's guide dog, also enjoyed Christmas Dinner with us!

Haf the Guide Dog Waiting For Christmas Dinner!

So, Christmas dinner eaten, I drove baby sister and her husband back to their holiday home (sister cannot climb stairs owing to spinal tumours, otherwise they would have stayed with me.) I got back about 8pm, Christmas Night, and stayed home until 4pm Boxing Day, when I drove back to my sisters for Boxing Day tea.

I spent the day building another blog on my web server, this one's all about gardening (one of the loves of my life). This will form an important part of my overall business plan for 2012 - converting my site from selling downloadable book files into a blog empire.

I must admit though, going back over to my sisters for tea last night provided me with a suprisingly welcome break. I am striving to work from home and give up my job to do so - three years to save for my gap year - but the isolation and loneliness, even for just part of a day, got to me quite badly. Maybe it was because it was Christmas, I don't know.

But whatever the reason, I've got to get this sorted out as I will be working from home on my own.It's not urgent - yet - but it is important. I am prone to depression, anyway, (diagnosed about 8 years ago I think), and the whole waking up on my own Boxing Day brought it back on, albeit for just a couple of hours. I'm so looking forward to Summer now!

Anyway, Christmas has proved to me that I'm neither wanted nor needed by my ex-family unit. It's now just me. And I'm going to have a wonderfully successful 2012. Because, overall, as well as proving that they should have stayed with me, it will also prove I don't need them anymore either. Watch this space!

Tuesday 20th December

After struggling for a day on this, I've literally just sorted out my web site - for some reason, cuteftp was corrupting my uploading and, having uploaded a brand new index page to the server, my site just wouldn't load. At all. The screen just filled with Chinese writing and nothing else. I'm so glad - so relieved - that I've managed to work out what was wrong.

Anyway, all done now.

Last weekend was really good for two reasons. Firstly, because it's my last weekend of freedom before the Christmas celebrations (and associated obligations) kick in - meaning I won't have any free time for me now until the weekend following Christmas.

Maybe this single life is making me selfish.

Secondly, I've finished the first ever run of my new magazine, and more than that, I've actually got a printed copy on it's way to me. I've had to go to an American company to get a single issue printed (for testing) but if no company in England is interested, I'll go elsewhere. And I can't wait to see three months of my hard work in print, in my hands. *Excited!*

Money's starting to get really tight now, what with Christmas and everything - including the extra petrol I'm going to have to find for running around picking up my sister and her husband (and running them around all weekend) as they're blind and need carers.

But I've got one day for me myself, so I'm going to have to be grateful for that I guess. I'm back at work Wednesday 27th, working short shifts for the three days until the weekend, when everything returns to normal. These three days are expected to be quiet at work, and I'm working on my own, so I'll be using the free time here to organise my budgets for the next 3 years.

And I should be leaving work 3 years today for my gap year.

Thursday 15th December

Wow, 10 days left until Christmas! This year's gone past really fast and the end's now in sight.

I got my four day working week, it was supposed to have started Monday 5th, but the company I work for didn't have any staff and I had to work, training a new relief guard to take over my Monday day shifts. I trained her for three days Mon 5th - Weds 7th and she did her own first Monday day shift this Monday just gone, giving me my first 4 day week.

So, that's that sorted out then.

Now, onto the bailiff. That's sorted out as well. He came around to the house and did what's known as a "walking possession", which means he took a list of 7  items in the house which would be seized if I fail to make future installment payments on time. I've paid him my first £110.00 deposit on his visit, and I've offered settlement at £75.00 a month, starting January.

Most of the Christmas shopping's done now as well. Luckily my next rent payment isn't due until the 2nd January, and I'll pay that when I next get paid on the 6th, so the rent, in effect, will be three days late. I've used December's rent payment to fund Christmas. I've just got two presents left to get, which will probably be gift vouchers.

But will I see the kids? Regular readers know my baby daughter lives with me, but there are three others involved. These are step kids that accepted me into their lives as I got into a relationship with their mother, and who I was proud to adopt, and they all hold my name.

My First Christmas With My New Family

But the marriage break up has also, obviously, broken the family up. The kids are adults now with the eldest girl being 34, my son is now 32, and the middle daughter is 28. I seen all three of them just once this year since January, and Middle Daughter is upset with me because I'm not going to her wedding in Italy in June 2012 as I can't afford to go - I can barely survive at the moment, let alone scrape a £1000 together for a short holiday in Italy.

I hope the daughter forgives me for not going - but time will tell. I guess if the kids don't come around mine sometime in the Christmas period I'll go around theirs in January. Time will tell.

So, do I get them Christmas presents now? I'm not sure - it may be a waste of money.

I can't wait for my new life to kick in - to start. See, after devoting myself - and the money - to the family for 15, almost 16 years, there now is no reason for failure as I am now in total control of my life and finances. No excuses. Only when I make it - and that Rolls Royce is parked outside my house and I have money - spare - in the bank, will I be able to make it up to all of them.

And, on that point, I've finished the editorial of my first magazine, including the cover, I've just had £34 Royalties paid into my Paypal account for last months sales from my publishers, and on checking my publisher's earnings page I see I've sold another 7 books up to and including the 11th December, making a total of £18.68 royalties at the moment. I've also sold a copy of my autism book through my Amazon account today, making another £6 payment due within another few days.

My initial target for the business is to earn enough money to cover my quarterly bills. I pray every day that I make it.

Sunday 4th December

It's been a hectic weekend all told. I was up at 6.30am yesterday to do the housework and, especially important, to hit Tesco before the crowds get there. The week's shopping was done and put away by 8am.

But that's not all, the masterplan for the day was to put up a big massive (well, 7 and half foot) Christmas tree for Baby Daughter whilst she was at work as she'd been asking about one for a few days. Let's say she was pleasantly suprised when she came back home. Although we'd been talking about having a natural tree this year I've decided not to, owing to the crippling finance situation.

We'll be having a proper Christmas tree next Christmas though because it'll be Baby Daughter's turn to have Christmas with me. She's with her mum this year, and I'm dropping her off there Christmas Eve night.

The Large Christmas Tree Just After Assembly

The worse thing about yesterday is that I planned to create a second partition on my Windows 7 PC so I could run 7 and XP together, but somehow it went wrong, and the XP partition became the primary one, wiping out everything on the computer.

Thank God I've got everything backed up. Thank God I now have a totally XP computer so all my software and printers work. Excellent. A heart stopping moment, but excellent.

All I've got to do now is sort out my drivers for my portable hard drive (as the XP computer doesn't recognise it) and retrieve all my data and copy back onto the PC, especially the antivirus program I've paid a two year subscription to, and still have a year to run on it.

And today, after getting up at 9am, I've done a computer repair for a friend, earning me £20. And, that's about it really. Just another weekend.

A weekend that's gone in a flash again. Things are going to change. I cannot carry on wasting my life at work.

Lucky People

Some people are really lucky. I picked this video up the other day and there's amazing escapes from certain death here. Amazing.

Life Values

I picked this up from my Facebook page the other day - it rings so true for me and what I stand for. Just wish I had the guts (and the money behind me) to quit my job. Today.

Life Values - Do You Value Your Life Enough? 

Thursday 1st December

Well, I've spoken to the bailiff (OK, texted him, then) and I feel easier now. I've got to make an appointment for him to come round to the house for him to collect a deposit and put a "Walking Charge" on 7 items that he can seize if I don't keep up payments.

I forgot to say yesterday as well that I've cleared my first bill last month as I got my last pay cheque. This was the heating oil bill for my old house - and it took me 14 months to pay it off. Goodbye, Pace Fuelcare - for ever.

And I'd found out I'd sold another four books up to yesterday as well, My royalty payment so far this month is £20.71. I'm two books short of last months total, with 15 days left until the end of this pay period. Obviously, I'm aiming to better last months sales, and, eventually, build up to a £100 monthly income as a base.

Had a management meeting at work today with my line manager of the contract company I work for. They have no staff to cover my Mondays now, so my four day week has been put back one week. Next week, starting Monday, I'm training another security guard up to take over my Monday shifts.

Realistically, it's putting everything back just one week. Personally, it's a pain in the arse because my line manager hasn't said anything about this until he came down for his meeting today. He's kept quiet for four weeks, suddenly dropping this on me today.

I said to Andrew, the colleague I work with, that if this had happened twelve months later, when I didn't owe him any money, that manager would have had my one month notice today.

It's amazing   how people get away with treating you badly just because you're in debt. This will be changing. Soon.